How Not To Get Trolled On A Video Game (Tell Your Kids)

The below is written by my beautiful, talented teen-aged daughter, Fang Zupke.  Yes, “Fang” is a pseudonym that she picked out herself, and no, we don’t need family counseling but thanks for the suggestion.

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I thought this would be a good time to talk about trolls in online gaming, since I know sometimes people get picked on in the games. You guys and gals, pass this on to your younger siblings, or any other kids you know, and parents looking at this, make sure to tell your kids about it. You don’t want them ending up getting trolled.

First off, let me make this clear: If you’re not old enough to be playing the game, then /don’t/ play the game. I can’t stress this enough; if you’re an eleven year old playing TF2, you shouldn’t be there. And you’re going to get trolled for it.

A troll is a person on the internet who tries to get a reaction out of people by doing various things. Sometimes it’s by breaking the rules in the game, sometimes it’s getting on your case about something else. Not to be confused with someone who’s actually trying to help, or is just doing something relatively harmless that you don’t like. But not to worry! I have a few tips that can help you avoid getting trolled:

1. Don’t use a mic. It keeps you from saying anything embarrassing, and it also keeps trolls from giving you a hard time about your voice.

2. Be polite. If you’re rude and yell at your teammates, or yell over other things in game, there’s a word for that. ‘Butthurt’. You’ll get it thrown at you a lot, and it attracts trolls. Trust me, you don’t want that.

3. Don’t complain. If someone’s breaking the rules, ask them politely to stop. If they don’t, let the admin deal with them. There’s not really anything else you can do.

4. Try to stay positive. Sometimes trolling is just a few guys having fun instead of trying to be mean. You can try to have fun, too. And staying positive means not letting them get to you and giving them the reaction they want. They /want/ you to get angry, and they want you to yell and threaten! Don’t give them that.

5. If all else fails, then leave. Just leave the server, and avoid the person or people who are trolling. They’ll say you’re ‘rage quitting’, but really, it’s the quickest way to defuse the situation on your end. If they follow you, then just keep going, and report them.

Hope I could help some.

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Booting The Aide To The Curb

Last year my son got As on his report card.  This year he’s barely holding on to Bs.  I couldn’t be happier.

Last year my son had an aide who was a very nice lady.  She helped him write down his assignments.  She reminded him to turn in his homework.  She took notes for him when he was too tired.  She was a fantastic aide, who through absolutely no fault of her own, was perpetuating his dependence on her.  At one time she was very necessary, but by the end of last year I’d decided her help was now a hindrance.

So, this year, we let her go.  We cut my son loose and tossed him out of the boat to sink or swim in the mainstream world with no support (other than incredible teachers, an ever-watchful case carrier, an understanding school administration, and a nervous mother who checked his backpack each day.)

Guess what?  He’s doing fine.  He’s doing more than fine.  He’s keeping track of his assignments, getting his work turned in, asking questions in class and managing all his school responsibilities himself.  Is he doing as well as he was last year with the aide’s help?  No.  He’s doing better.  His GPA is suffering, but he’s learning independence in leaps and bounds.  Now I know that in a few years when high school ends, he’s going to be able to make through college, where there are no aides and no IEPs.  I know he’s going to be able one day to hold down a job, where they’re not going to allow his mommy to come in and check up on him each day.

Our experiment has been a success, but if my son had crashed and burned, that would have been okay, too.  The school was ready to supply an aide if it turned out he still needed it.  Whatever damage would have been done to his grades, he’d have survived it.  We’d have learned what help he still needed and what he could do on his own.  We’d have known that we were pushing him to reach his potential as quickly as we could, that we weren’t coddling him into a lifetime of dependency.

Goodbye, sweet aide.  You’ve served us well.  Thank you for getting him ready to make it on his own.

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October Is Rough

October is often a rough time for our kids.  The honeymoon time from the beginning of the school year is over.  The teachers are calling you about difficulties your child is having in class or with the results of assessment tests.  Kids are tired of keeping it together in the classroom.  Everyone expects that our kids must have the classroom routine down by now, but maybe they don’t. 

I just want you to know that if your child is hitting a rough patch right now, you’re not alone.  A lot of our kids do.  Hang in there, work with the teachers, get more info, cry a bit, don’t argue with your spouse because it won’t help instead go out on a date with him/her, give your kid a lot of hugs, cut yourself some slack, and quit worrying about the fact that the holidays are just around the corner.  Relax.  Breathe.  Do something fun.

By Christmas your kid will have settled down in class.  (He’ll have to readjust after vacation, but that’s normal, too.)  Sometimes we just have to live through October.

 

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Bullies Lie

Two important things I learned while listening to Jennifer McIlwee Myers presentation about depression, anxiety and kids on the spectrum are “Every day that you survive, you win against the bullies,” and “Depression lies.”  Two very important concepts that when I thought about them later, led me to a conclusion that would have been really helpful for me to know in fifth grade.  Bullies lie, too.

Bullies feed off their victim’s pain.  They revel in the power they have over other people, the friends who follow them blindly as well as those they’re tormenting.  By throwing people out of the group, they shore up the walls that divide the “in crowd” and the “out crowd”, and build up their vision of themselves and where they think they fit in society.  The fact that they can make someone cry proves (in their eyes) that they have control and power.  They love the feeling and they have no problem doing whatever it takes to keep generating that feeling, including lying.

I don’t know why it didn’t dawn on me when I was a child that just because someone (who I knew was mean) told me I was fat or ugly, that it didn’t mean I was fat or ugly.  That they would say something, not because it was true, but because they knew it would hurt.  That they would say anything to cause people pain.  That they would poke around until they found someone’s tender spot, and once they found it, would strike again and again like a cobra, precisely where they knew it would hurt the most.  By triggering the victim’s own self-doubt, he’d keep punishing himself, over and over, long after the bully had sauntered away smirking.

Let me reiterate – bullies will say or do whatever it takes to get you to doubt yourself.  They want to see your pain.

So how does knowing that affect what we teach our kids about protecting themselves against bullies?

We need to tell them that bullies are manipulative, lying jerks who are really good at what they do.  You don’t believe them.  You don’t take what they’re saying to heart.  You do whatever you have to do to get away from them, and then you disregard what they’ve said.  That’s not the same as ignoring the bullies – advice that has been handed down since time began and doesn’t work any better now than it did when we were kids.  You can’t tell a kid to ignore someone’s taunts if he or she believes they might be true.  If one of the tallest kids in a class is being teased about being short, he’s going to think his tormentor is an idiot.  But if he’s teased about being too tall, he may buy into it.  Instead we have to teach our kids that bullies will pick at us until they find the things that hurt us most, and that’s what they’ll attack us with, even if they have to make something up.

Schools and parents are putting a lot of effort into anti-bullying programs these days and that’s a good thing.  The programs are having an effect and the number of bullying incidences are decreasing.  But the programs aren’t going to make bullying disappear.  Bullying is an ugly aspect of human nature, and it’s never going to go away.  As parents and teachers, we have to teach our kids more than “be nice to each other” and “tell a teacher.”  We also need to teach them resiliency.  We need to give them the tools so that when bullying does occur, as it will, they can survive it.  They can let those hateful words slide right on past them instead of letting those nasty little swords hit them where they live.

Bullies lie.  Make sure your kids know it.

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